The Cosmic Flyswatter

NOTE: Scroll down to read parts one and two of this three part blog

Captain’s log, Star Date 45 26.6.

Sulu, Spock, and myself are now back aboard the Enterprise. We escaped a warped reality on Earth that we are not certain we didn’t contribute to. Our names are no longer distorted. Up on the screen we are watching the church tower whose clock had fragmented into so many dimensions slowly merge back into a single one. We have sling-shotted back past the Red Giant, Lenin 6 and are now headed back to star base 11 in our correct time/space continuum.

I have asked my First Officer, Mr. Spock and my helmsman, Mr. Sulu to join me in the recording of this entry into my log. The circumstances surrounding our adventure on a distorted past Earth that had some time attributes of the 1930’s Depression Era, and yet was really in our past circa 2009 had caused strange perceptions that were still lingering in my conscious mind. Spock and Sulu are present while I make this entry. The accuracy of my report to Star Fleet Command demands it. They are present with me now and will be recognized and recorded by the ship’s computer.

Kirk—”Computer?… Acknowledge!”
Computer—”Acknowledged and recording, Captain.”
Kirk—”Mr. Spock, any initial thoughts?”
Spock—”Nothing logically relevant, Captain.”
Kirk—”You surprise me, Spock. You didn’t find the unusual behavior of the past earth inhabitants strange? You didn’t find the distortion to our names and the name of our ship temporarily disconcerting?”
Spock—”You have asked specific questions Captain to which I do have specific responses. I must point out that your first question was not specific nor was it…”
Kirk(interrupting)—”Yes, Yes, Mr. Spock. Please be specific.”
Spock—”I found the distortion of the names to be most unattractive as illogical as that may seem. However, I found the assertion by the humans with whom we interacted that we are simply the products of a Television producer by the name of Roddenberry to be most interesting. This of course cannot be proved, and yet I remember reading about a professor at a prestigious university in the early twenty first century proposing that humans themselves were simply the product of a superior alien’s imagination.”
Kirk—”It does make you wonder though, doesn’t it?”
Sulu—”Well, I wasn’t wondering about my imagination when I was a captive of the Bumulans in West Hollywood!”
Kirk—”Yes, Mr. Sulu. And we got out of there just in time…”
Spock—”Indeed, Mr. Sulu. And yet like most of the distorted reality that we encountered, the Bumulans thought nothing of betrothing you to another male of your own species…Most interesting and clearly illogical.”

The ship’s surgeon, Dr. McCoy, enters Kirk’s quarters.

Kirk—”But what do you think, Spock, did our presence cause their reality to distort or were they deteriorating naturally?”
Spock—”That’s hard to ascertain, Jim. On the one hand their wealth and abundance developed under a strong sense of a single creator in whose image they imagine they were made. The loss of this belief would most certainly cause a deterioration in the fundamental stabilizing effect of their moral values. On the other hand we know that all beliefs in such a God or gods is simply mythology for the comfort and convenience of any sentient mortal creatures.”
Kirk—”But do we know that, Spock? And what if we are simply the fruit of the imaginations of those who actually are made in the image of a single creator?”
Spock—”Then…”
Kirk—”Then what, Mr. Spock?”
Dr. McCoy–”Yes, what then, Spock?”
Spock—”Then it would seem logical that we are experiencing the freedom from what we see as mythology only by the whim of those who imagined us in the first place.”
McCoy—”Dammit Spock, I’m sick of your logic!”

Lt. Ohura is heard over the ship’s intercom.
Lt. Ohura—”We are being contacted on a hailing frequency, Captain, by a Captain John T. Cooper of the Starship Providence.
Kirk—”Put him on the screen, Ohura”
Ohura—”Yes, Captain.”

…I found myself in a two way Internet connection with Captain Kirk, Spock, Sulu and McCoy. I wanted to hear what they thought we should do about our present and most uncertain reality. I had presented myself as Captain John T. Cooper of the Starship Providence and it had landed me the connection I was seeking.

Kirk—”Yes, Captain Cooper. What can I do for you?”
Cooper—”Captain Kirk, thank you for taking my call. It was a pleasure assuming your personality even if for such a short time.”
Kirk—”The pleasure was mine, Captain. It was interesting being in a church and experiencing the feelings that I was made in the image of the Creator, something I have only read about in books…Is there anything else we can do for you, Captain Cooper?”
Cooper—”Perhaps Captain… I was wondering if I could have the benefit of a logical Vulcan mind with regards to our present economic troubles?”
Kirk—”Spock?”
Spock—”I am no economist, Captain Cooper, but I thank you for your compliment. It is indeed a trait of my species and my nature to use logic in that degree of development that is most highly possible. It would seem to me that considering the charter under which your free country was founded and I might add from which our Federation was seeded whether in your imagination or in our reality, that your problem is one of bigness.”
McCoy—”How so, Spock?”
Spock—”It is only, logical, Doctor. America is a country founded on free enterprise and small business. A severe economic meltdown cannot possibly be repaired by growing the size of government and retracting the private share. It is most illogical. All of America’s problems have their root and continuance in the bigness of those economic sectors that have most recently collapsed. Big business, big labor, big finance, and big government have all collapsed under the weight of their own mediocrity and therefore their own stagnation and corruption.”
Kirk—”Solution, Mr. Spock?”
Spock—”It would seem to me most logical that all sectors of the economy that could be left to the indomitable spirit and initiative of most Americans on a more manageable scale would thrive and most certainly recover, and indeed, support the variance of lifestyles that were designed to be guaranteed by their constitution in the first place.”
Kirk—”Is that any help to you, Captain Cooper?”
Cooper—”Very much so. Thank you Mr. Spock for your observation. Have you any suggestions as to how we might accomplish this reformation?”
Spock—”Negative, Captain Cooper. That would best be left to your experts should you have any legitimate thinkers left in your midst.”
McCoy—”Don’t insult him, Mr. Spock!”
Spock—”I had no such intentions, doctor. I was merely pointing out that…”
Kirk—”Gentlemen, that will do. Captain Cooper if there is nothing else I think we will sign off and wish you the best of luck…We must boldly go where no man has gone before…”
Spock—”Don’t forget Captain that from their perspective, from the window through which they perceive reality, we might just as well be going where they think that no man is likely ever to go, however boldly.”
McCoy—”Dammit, Spock!”
Cooper—”Good luck, Kirk, Spock, Sulu, and McCoy. Thanks very much.”

Kirk out

The Internet transmission was broken. I have returned to the bridge on the Starship Providence to travel where my assignments take me…

“This is the Captain speaking…all crew members are to ignore the platitudes of all fancy fantasy ear ticklers that we might encounter on this next journey. You all know the consequences of such behavior. We will not have any more time warps or dimensional shifts caused by ignoring ancient wisdom. Remember, ex nihilo, nihilo fit. Nothing comes from nothing. We are far better off imagining things the way they actually are instead of pretending they can be how we would like them to be. Plot our course towards reality, helmsman.”

Cooper out.

NOTE: Scroll down to read the first of this three part blog.

Captain’s log, star date 45 25.2.

After several hours on the ground of our native planet Earth, it has become apparent to me and my crew that things are not what they seem to be. Even the names of things so familiar, in fact our own names have been altered slightly by the time warp we have sling-shotted through.

Portals into other dimensions showed themselves wherever we tread. In the asphalt beneath our feet, a factory has appeared. Mr. Schnock’s Tri-Quarter readings coupled with the ship’s TMVI (Time/Matrix Vortex Identifier) have shown it to be a wienie factory somewhere in Frankfurt, Germany on the other side of the planet. Things are, to say the least… not as they should be.

We had hoped to gain entry into a church whose distorted clock tower first appeared to be the source of our being lost in time/space. But Mr. Schnock has stated unequivocally that manipulating the clock will not help us until we identify the true TimeWarpDisrupter. And worse for us, further complicating our exit back into our own Time/Space, Lt. Voodoo, my helmsman has been captured by Bumulan convicts recently escaped from a West Hollywood Penal colony.

I am Captain John T. Cooper. Along with my first Officer Mr. Schnock and my helmsman, Mr. Voodoo, we beamed down to try and reverse ourselves from having been thrown into orbit around Earth circa 1931…

These are the voyages of the Star Ship Providence; it’s eight year mission: to seek out new life and abundance…to boldly go where men have either forgotten or are afraid to go…

And you think I’m kidding. President Slickspeak is flying around in Snake Oil One spreading benevolence and intelligence to all who are lucky enough to join him in a foolish and collapsing dream world. Meanwhile First Officer Mr. Schnock, the hapless Lt. Voodoo and myself are trying to find out the source of all the warping of reality.

…There just might be a happy ending to this drama, but before we indulge in deus ex machina in part three of this series, we need to follow the Captain and his crew into the asphalt portal where we will find ourselves in Germany before World War II. For it is here in Frankfurt that a factory was first erected for the processing of free thinking westerners into wienies…

I had myself and Schnock locked onto by the ship’s transporter, and we were beamed inside the factory. We were able to retrieve the records of the wienie formula being used on western men and women. Schnock and I escaped after knocking out two guards. We were then transported back outside the clock tower of the church in California, a province of the old Federation known as the United States of America. We were astounded at the formula:

1. The creation of racism offences.
2. Continual change to create confusion
3. The teaching of sex and homosexuality to children
4. The undermining of schools’ and teachers’ authority
5. Huge immigration to destroy identity.
6. The promotion of excessive drinking
7. Emptying of churches
8. An unreliable legal system with bias against victims of crime
9. Dependency on the state or state benefits
10. Control and dumbing down of media
11. Encouraging the breakdown of the family

We logged the formula into the Ship’s computer bank for review later. You can review the information here.

As clarifying as this information was, Mr. Schnock and I had more immediate problems. Mr. Schnock had surmised that the ship’s TMVI (Time/Matrix Vortex Identifier) might be malfunctioning. Further, he informed me that to the folks walking about us on planet earth we were most likely just a fantasy from a sixties television show. It also appeared that even though our readings had us in the time frame of 1931, Mr. Schnock’s calculations after we exited the German asphalt portal has placed us in June of the Earth year 2009.

We looked up at the clock tower. It was beginning to distort terribly and Mr. Voodoo was still missing. We decided to split up. Mr. Schnock stayed to try and gain access to the tower while I headed to West Hollywood. If we were to get back to our proper space/time frame, fantasy or not, we could not leave Voodoo behind. And Schnock was certain the clock tower would play a vital role in our success.

President Slickspeak is still flying around in Snake Oil One, too busy trampling the meanings of ordinary words and the common sense understanding of all knowledge to help us. At this very moment he is denigrating anyone who has pointed out that his appointee for Supreme Court Justice has defined herself as a racist.

We knew we would need to recruit the help of ordinary folks who have not eaten the wienies made by the Frankfurters.

We needed the help of men and women who are not so stupid as to reject reality. We need men and women who understand that there is not, and never can be, any secular substitute for the moral standard that made this nation Great and Free! Without retrieving our foundations we are condemned to follow the slick slave masters who have now come to power. Unless we stand up and reject the mini-truth pap of Platitude Meister Obama of OZ, and the expedient half-truths of O’Reilly, Medved, and all other of the Obfuscators in the media, we will drift without awareness into the wienie factories of Europe to be processed by the followers of Mohammed. They are counting on it. We are sleep walking into the unimaginable, like Jews walking into ovens they built themselves.

It can be no other way. All else is delusion. The Truth will not be denied. It can only be rejected to our own peril. Those who are middle-aged and older may escape it but the young won’t and they hardly know any better.

I left Mr. Schnock at the church tower and headed to West Hollywood to retrieve Mr. Voodoo. We need to escape this madness that is passing for ancient Earth, and we are not certain that our presence here has not in some way been responsible.

Before we leave present day Earth we will do our best to point out how and why things can be corrected for not only the present Earth, but for the future voyages of the Star Ship Providence.

Captain Cooper out.